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legs run in tights fidgiting back and forth and back again to that same folded cap on a perfumed head that holds a brain as mysterious as they come
or maybe theres no mystery at all- just another impulse guided by electricity and chemicals that shift to the left everytime they think im not looking.
that selfsame everytime is coupled with excuses and an eyebrow that is arched more often than not. these glances mean nothin in the face of what is still undeniably a bad decision born out of bad timing and a devilish desire to fall hopelessly into tangles of clipcords and black hair
its so much easier to write behind this iron curtain of robin's egg blue...its so much easier to be sure of a shakey choice when confirming words are staring back at you and not slipping away into endless sulci
where's my atlas to that labyrinth? supposedly i have all the say in the world, so why am i so hung up in my own details?

out.

beautiful girls telling me whats what.
choked up hearts biting tongues and lips in attempt to asses what's really good for them.
theres caffine and nicotine and mayonnaise in my system...nails bit hard to the quick. plummeting body tmperatures and endless blankets of red and grey silica

3 tattoos made all of the difference in the universe
this is one impatient pregnancy -alien shifting and mountingly ravenous energetic demands...

its funny that so much of this was born out of dreams and now theyve stopped. green light go stop and then endless yellow.
caution. caution. caution.

"she looks vaugely disgusted.."
"well then maybe youre vaugely disgusted by something..."

sometimes that buzz from next door is just too much to take

another post from seafoam green walls.

im not sleeping well again. it's the kind of not sleeping well that means that i stay up waaaay too late, completely aware that im exhausted and SHOULD be sleeping, and then tumble around the internet a little longer, then journal something, then toss and turn some more, then internet then sometimes, sleep.

but things are so good and quiet now in so many ways, i think i should just take the sleeplessness as a gift. so much time to think on the various things that need thinkin on (hand in hand with the things that dont need thinkin on) and time that is, unequivocally, my own. no one wants to go grab coffee at 3 in the morning. and thank christ for that.

i have a dinner date with my jessy tonight. we're going to talk more about the talk show im supposed to help her with on KDVS. It looks like it might not keep on keepin on this quarter, but despite my initail feeling of being let off the hook when she told me it might not happen anymore, im finding myself really wanting to make it work now. I'm still not sure what qualifies me to talk about sex on public radio, but from the other side of it, im not sure what wouldnt. my role would be that of interviewer, so all im really doing is facilitating information ayway...and i'd be learning soooo much! jessy juuuust did a GREAT interview with a woman who works with trans women within the prison industry- THIS is the social justice work im interested in. i just want to try my hand at it before i go...even if it's just for a moment (even if it's juuuuust long enough to interview courtney trouble and big frida)

i wish i could stretch 3 months into 6. the worst of it is that there is absolutely nothing telling me i HAVE to leave so soon- in fact it's the opposite. i have people i love and trust telling me to stay, to hang around - becasue theres work to be done and art to be made and my rents so cheap and my job's so rad and etc etc etc. in all honesty i dont have even the slightest clue about why im so confident about leaving nownowNOW. but i trust it anyway. it either makes me crazy or...well...self confident i guess (is that the best i can come up with???), but either way, decisions have been made and wheels are turning.
now i just have to pray that the fucking administration will lt me re-enroll before i go. red tape and red tape. im sure that some students come to university, take the classes reccommended by their advisors, then graduate on time without a hitch. i asked my art advisor ariel about this theory yesterday, and her response was, "yeah, there are students who do that, but you're Special."
hah. special indeed...

im alone in the shop. jessica is on tour and kai is house hunting in santa cruz. brittany is at home playing the harp because 3 of her appointments canceled in a row (bogus!) so now I'm tumblring about the internet and ho-humming about a very extraordinary and very empty tattoo parlour.

It's pretty okay that i get paid for this.
but the aforementioned image of sitting around davis with my thumb up my ass is all too difficult to shake.

whatamidoingherewhatamidoingherewhatamidoinghere

got an email from iji. turns out they have scabies. looks like it's time to bring out the pots of boiling water. it's one of the down sides of having traveling crusty friends. but the ups are Music and late night dancing and travel and stories and adventure. a little itchiness doesn't stand a chance in the face of them odds...

it's a Drive-in Tubes-day and ima go see scott pilgrim and inception tonight ($5?!!). I'm really glad verno is driving up because today has been a nice but glum day. brianna left for goodsies and it doesnt seem real. at all. i kept pulling faces at her during breakfast- anna and i tried out last ditch attempts at convincing her to stay, but alas, the economy isn't helping any one of us at the moment, and sometimes these things cant be helped. still makes me sad though. the word "miss" doesnt cut it. it's like im loosing a sister...

anyway. im sure there are floors to be mopped etc. back to the buzz...

p.s.- i am TOTALLY capitalizing on working here before i leave. especially since i am a ready and willing guinea pig. brittany has never done a photorealist tattoo before...






oui?
oui?

there is wet air pouring in from the lanai.
i am eternally greatful for the junk weather we've been having in hawaii. it somehow seems to satisfy the part of me that feels like I have to justify to people that, "no, I don't Care about going to hawaii. I Care about being with my family." no one seems to believe the difference.

and now that family coughs from the other room. i have infected them with my frustrating sickness. the awful cold that i trailed from the mainland has spread to my auntie's lungs and i can hear that same diaphragm deep rattle of misplaced snot and soreness echo through the house along with the nervous windchimes and raindrops from outside.

an oldish boy sent me an invitation that i will politely decline, but the good result is just the perfect kind of sleepy lady vocals for an evening awake alone. it's surprisingly cold here and my hands smell like pizza, no matter how many time I wash them. im reading other peoples journals and pretending like i have an idea about their kind of pain and joy. it's a pleasant little illusion that im sure you too, dear reader, cant help but fall into. that devilish little rabbit hole of links and references and googleish beings..... it has been some time since ive been so full of myself, no?

jessica left for kua'i today and im thankful for the time alone. it's been wonderful sharing my family and the island with her- allthough my painfully nerdy LOST references are, well, lost on her. we spent today ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the absurd trees in the botanical gardens. they dont seem like they should exist in our world. silver thick bark like elephant skin bulging out in gigantic fleshy rolls, crayola-painted peeling panels, winking eyes and crotches and impossibly tangled limbs and punched out bellies and oh lord if i dont want to anthropomorphize every single thing i look at in those places. we laid our stomachs flat against their trunks and looked straight up into their various curving canopies fanning out towards the sky. the wind was furious today and it shook them and us to our roots to our cores. it was a mad giddy rush of electricity today. cacao plants and peppercorns up to our eyeballs. it was a good day.

and now for the first time i'm restless. my nights have rarely stretched beyond 10pm since ive been here due to my worthless lungs. exhausted by 9- out of commission soon after. attempting to slowly worm my way through akira kurosawa's anthology- drunken angel tonight. stray dog tomorrow. there is no such thing as too much good film- in this household at least. and thank god for that.

i dont think i know how to finish these things anymore, if i ever did in the first place. so i'll instead close with an image from the artist whose kailua studio im trying to weasel my way into.




cheers.

i have been knocked flat on my ass for two solid days. i don;t know what kind of gnarly-ass strain of head cold got ahold of me, but whomever dreamed it up gets bonus points for sure. it went from "hey my throat feels a little scritchy" around noon to "oh my god my hed feels like it's trapped underneath about 40 sandbags and im breathing razorblades dipped in tobasco and ow ow ow ow ow"

i couldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time before i would wake up because my head hurt so bad. vernon was a champ and didn't mind my incessant hacking and whimpering (of which there was plenty) and it took me twice as long to get home as i had to keep pulling off to the side of the road in order to talk myself down from the weird hazy visuals i was getting. effing scary.
i crashed the minute i got home and have been in bed or on the couch since. movies and sleep and movies and coughing and snot and raw noses (despite the aloe! damn you puffs brand!!!) and achey bodies and delerious heads. and now im in the super fristrating place where I can't sleep, it hurts my head to read, im movie'd out, and there is absolutely nothing else to do but dread going back to helmus for the first day tomorrow. and i refuse to whore my brain out to facebook. refuse.


but other than this suprisingly horrific sickness, things have been going really really well. the new quarter has started, and it's looking like i'll be graduating ahead of schedule if i have anything to do about it. the only class im waiting on is kantian and lacanian art theory which i wasin, then was dropped from because of stupid system glitches, then i was waitlisted, but NOW i had to miss the first day because there was just no way in hell i was going to be hauling my sorry carcass out of bed to campus. i wrote a pity email to the professor, but he's a no bullshit kind of dude, so i don;t know how far it'll carry me. he hasn't responded back yet. hope hope hope. otherwise i'll have to beg to get into "late greek art" which does not sound all that appealing, and i'm waitlisted there too so i don;t know.... all i know is that i want to fucking graduate. im done with the system. it continually fails and fucks us all over. i want out and now.

on the upside, i ordered a Holga today. Medium format here i come!

ugh. maybe ill try reading again. i just chugged about half of a bottle of nyquil- by the time ive read one paragraph, ill be passed out if im lucky.

goddamnit.

wish me luck...

and im wide awake at 2:41 after watching pt. 2 of angels in america and crying crying crying. actually, only a few hot tears rolled into my scarf, but the sentiment can be read as weeping. I have One More All Nighter to pull tomorrow in photo lab. I'll be queasy from chemicals, both ingested and inhaled and I'll hopefully have a good product to show for it. only time will tell.

meanwhile, I'm fighting off intermittent jolts of pain shooting like electricity through my wrist. I see my second specialist tomorrow and, for now, am surprisingly happy with my wrist brace. Everytime I take it off in frustration because i can't do almost anything with it on, I am immediately greeted with new kinds of pain from the motion and flee back to its grey-velcroed-plastic-padded security. i feel like a geek, but i think some small secret part of me enjoys the dweebiness of it all. but my hearing aide-neigh-wrist splint satisfaction is a thin silver lining to the looming terror that comes from the idea that I worked myself so hard (on a project that I dont even like anymore) that i may have seriously injured my hand- which is bad news for a would-be sculptor.
seriously bad news.

the kind of bad news that makes me snappy, irritable, and unable to sleep. the pain i can deal with. the numbness is distracting; but the idea that I might have really and truly fucked myself over because i take on too much....well thats a wake up call. a big part of this is the project itself. hundreds of plaster molds pressed, cast, smoothed, fitted, and slipped mostly by my stubbornly locked thumb. it's a bad scene. and i dont even Know what the final project is going to look like. how the fuck are we going to string them together, hang them up, clothe them etc...? these are things that would take up prime real estate in my consciousness if they werent shudderingly overshadowed by the fear that i might have impaired myself, and the one thing im good at, the one thing i have serious potential in, just might be too much for my stupid body to handle.

i know im being melodramatic. ill wear the splint until my wrist stops hurting, and then i just wont ever do a project like this ever, Ever again. at least not with these time constraints and lack of preparedness. but it's still scary. and is till cant sleep. so im not sure where that leaves me. and even if the warm embrace off sleep comes, the pain has been intense enough to wake me multiple times throughout the night for the past week or so. that's probably not a good enough reason to not try at all though.

so im finally off to count sheep. i thought typing this out might make me fel a little better about it all. not so much perhaps, but at least it didnt hurt...

i carved a pumpkin tonight.
it's an angry whale eating a narwhal.
we watched old boris karloff films and pulled the table into the living room so we could carve and sit at the same time.
there was mexican hot chocolate with kahlua that was sipped on everytime someone said "vorvolakas."

it should have been really fantastic, but it really just felt awfully uneventful.

im thinking i might want to stay in dvais for halloween this year. it will be my fourth halloween here and i've always left for the city. kai is throwing a skull party so I'm thinking it might be more fun to just stay here. the lady WILL be dressed up as a dashing fellow from Madmen...but a perhaps bigger part of me has a hard time believing that a handsome man would kiss a swampthing, so im stumped for now.

i need to get back to my roots.